Sorbet aux myrtilles

Glistening with heat? Dress lightly. Apply sorbet as desired.

Ingredients
1 bag frozen wild blueberries
Juice of 1/2 a Meyer lemon
Maple syrup to taste

Directions
Blend all ingredients in high-powered blender and serve immediately. Tease the ear of a loved one with your chilly blue lips and tongue.

Poulet rôti

Hold the thighs open while you stuff the cavity full. At this point, you may wish to tie the legs closed, although this won’t be necessary in every case.

Ingredients

1 whole roasting chicken

Salt and pepper

Olive oil

1 lemon

Herbes de Provence

Directions

Smear olive oil generously over the outside of the bird and all around inside the cavity. (Lubrication is SO important.) Sprinkle generously with salt and pepper, inside and out. Cut lemon in half or quarters and thrust lemon and herbs inside the cavity. Tie legs closed as desired. Cook for about 1 ½ hours in an oven preheated to 350degrees. Allow juices to drip intermittently out of cavity. After, smoke a cigarette, or, if you’re classy, a pipe.

Soupe à l’oignon

When in doubt, a good chef tastes.

Ingredients

½ stick of butter

5-6 medium onions

Salt and pepper, to taste

2 Tablespoons flour

8 cups beef broth

½ pound Swiss cheese

Directions

Melt butter in stock pot and cook onions until well browned. Add dashes of salt and pepper. Reduce heat to medium and stir in flour. Continue stirring for about 3 minutes, until the flour browns slightly. Add the broth and bring to a boil for 15 minutes. Reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes. Serve with grated Swiss cheese.

Vinaigrette

Although not to everyone’s taste, a good tossed salad can add a creative, fun element to many a meal.

Ingredients

½ lemon

Good quality grainy mustard

Salt and pepper to taste

1-2 Tablespoons vinegar of choice

3 or  more Tablespoons olive oil

Place one spoonful mustard into your salad bowl. Juice the lemon on top, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add 1-2 Tablespoons vinegar and then 3 or more Tablespoons olive oil, according to your taste preferences. Whisk until combined. Shortly before serving, add lettuce greens and toss.

If you’re enough of a pervert to understand the above quote, you must also understand that vinegar and mustard are really not what you want for that purpose. See instead, for example, crème brûlée, or possibly Omelette au Cointreau.

Soufflé au roquefort

With the soufflé, you want the dish to grow and expand. However, you cannot rush this process. Timing is everything.

Ingredients

1 cup milk

3 egg yolks

3 tablespoons flour

1 teaspoon good mustard

Dash of pepper

2-3 oz Roquefort cheese

4 egg whites

Pinch of cream of tartar

Heat milk on stovetop over medium heat. Meanwhile, whisk egg yolks in a separate bowl with a spoonful of water. Add the flour to the egg yolks and blend until smooth. Stir in a few spoonfuls of hot but not boiling milk into the yolk mixture. Boil the remaining milk and then add it to the egg yolks. Whisk entire mixture over stovetop until it boils and thickens. Turn heat down to a simmer and add mustard and pepper. Stir in the cheese until it melts. Once the mixture comes to a boil again, remove from heat and cover. Beat egg whites with cream of tartar until stiff peaks form. Contemplate the implications of this oh-so-frequent pairing of the act of beating resulting in the formation of stiff peaks. Pour the soufflé base into a bowl and fold in the egg whites, one third at a time. Pour the mixture into a buttered and floured soufflé mold, smoothing the top with a spatula. Bake for 5 minutes at 475° then for another 5-8 minutes at 425°. Serve immediately.

Boeuf bourguignon

When in doubt, add more red wine. Lubricate generously.

Ingredients

¼ cup olive oil

3 pounds beef chuck

1 onion

1 carrot

1/3 cup flour

3 cups dry red wine

1 ½ cups beef broth

2 shallots

6 cloves garlic

2 Tablespoons tomato paste

Dashes of salt and pepper

Bay leaf

Thyme (fresh or dried)

1 stalk celery

24 pearl onions

12-18 small Yukon Gold potatoes

1 pound smoked bacon

¾ pound mushrooms

Bunch of parsley

Brown beef cubes in oil over high heat. Add chopped onion and carrot. Reduce heat to medium-high and lightly brown vegetables. Sprinkle in the flour and stir over medium heat, about five minutes. Remove from heat and add wine, broth, sliced shallots, sliced garlic, tomato paste, salt and pepper, herbs, and chopped celery. Cover and simmer over medium-low heat, about 1-2 hours. (Periodically remove fat or foam that rises to the top.)

Boil pearl onions for 10 minutes and peeled potatoes for 20 minutes. Cook and drain bacon, saving pan. Add mushrooms to the bacon pan and sauté, then season with salt pepper. Brown pearl onions.

When the beef is tender, place it in serving dish and add pearl onions, potatoes, mushrooms, and bacon. Top with parsley and serve. This dish is even yummier if prepared a few days ahead of time and allowed to rest. Feed some to your own personal favorite boeuf Bourguignon.

Crème anglaise

Although sauce is entirely optional with most dishes, some honey drizzled on top can be a delightful addition. Some prefer sweetened condensed milk. For variety, you may with to sample this crème anglaise.

Ingredients

1 cup milk

3 tablespoons sugar

3 egg yolks

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Bring milk and sugar to a boil over medium to medium-high heat. Remove from heat. Whisk egg yolks in bowl and continue whisking constantly while adding milk in a slow stream. (It is best to first add the milk one tablespoon at time to avoid cooking the yolks.) Return mixture to stove and whisk for several seconds over medium heat, taking care not to let the sauce boil. Within about ten seconds, the sauce should become thick enough to coat a spoon, or, alternatively, the tanned belly of your favorite Spaniard. Strain, as needed, and serve warm or cold.

Steak au poivre

Heat the slab slowly, dousing with wine at regular intervals. Taste periodically. You’ll know when it’s ready.

Ingredients

¼ cup black peppercorns

4 boneless sirloin steaks

2-3 Tablespoons olive oil

Dash salt

¼ cup Cognac plus 1 Tablespoon

1 cup heavy cream

Directions

Crush the peppercorns, using either a coffee bean grinder or a heavy-bottomed pan. Place the steaks on the crushed pepper and coat both sides. Add steaks to hot pan of oil and sauté 4-5 minutes per side. Season with salt. Add ¼ cup Cognac to pan and flambé, then remove steaks from pan. Add cream to pan and bring to a boil, stirring until thick enough to coat a spoon. Pour over steak to serve. Allow your imagination to run wild at the thought of nibbling on hot, spicy meat slathered in cream and alcohol. Yummy.

Crème brûlée

Although many tools exist, one can easily verify that a dish is ready just by using one finger.

Ingredients

4 egg yolks, room temperature

¼ cup white sugar

2 cups heavy cream

Pinch salt

1 Tablespoon vanilla extract

3-4 Tablespoons white sugar

Directions

While cream is slowly heating on stovetop, beat together egg yolks, sugar, salt and vanilla in a metal bowl. Add cream to eggs, one tablespoon at a time to start so as not to cook the yolks. As needed, pour mixture through a sieve to strain.

Place ramekins into pan and fill pan with hot water halfway up the ramekin cups. Pour cream mixture into ramekins and bake 30 minutes at 350°, until custard sets. Chill.

Before serving, sprinkle white sugar on top of custard and place under broiler for 2-3 minutes, to melt and caramelize the sugar. These can be chilled again until serving.

Chanard à l’Orange.

Turn breast side down and secure tightly with string (or with silk scarves).

Ingredients

French man or woman with the surname Chanard

Orange marmalade

Crème Chantilly (optional)

Directions

Remove clothing from Monsieur, Madame, or Mademoiselle Chanard and place in comfortable reclining position on bed, couch, chair, mattress, rug, or al fresco spot of your choice. Drizzle generously with orange marmalade, adding crème Chantilly as desired. Taste. Miam miam!

Omelette au Cointreau

Top generously with Cointreau then suck slowly.

Ingredients

3 eggs

2-3 Tablespoons sugar

2-3 Tablespoons Cointreau, to taste

1 Tablespoon butter

Directions

Beat together eggs, sugar, and Cointreau until smooth. Melt butter over stovetop then add egg mixture to pan. Stir constantly with a wooden spoon, gently shaking the pan at the same time. Stop shaking pan when just a little liquid remains on top and leave on heat for a few seconds. Serve immediately.

Crème Chantilly

Beat until stiff peaks form.

Ingredients

2 cups heavy cream

2 teaspoons almond extract

1 Tablespoon sugar

Directions

Chill bowl and beaters in freezer for ten minutes before preparing. Whip cream alone in bowl. Just as peaks are starting to form, add in extract and sugar then continuing whipping. Stop before mixture turns into butter.

Should you accidentally make butter, find someone willing to donate his or her body to being finger-painted with a sweetened, flavored buttery mess. This is all in the name of science, of course. It should be fairly moisturizing, too.

Poireaux à la crème

After the leek has been bathing a moment or two in its salty cream bath, it will soften and go limp. Not to worry; this is to be expected as part of a natural process.

Ingredients

4 leeks

2 Tablespoons butter

½ cup heavy cream

Salt and pepper, to taste

Directions

Wash leeks and chop up white parts only. Sauté in a covered saucepan with butter, for 8-10 minutes. Add cream and cook uncovered until thickened. (It’s fine for the cream to boil some.) Salt and pepper as desired. Serve as a side dish or as a bed for cooked meat.

Cupcakes Paris-Brest

For this dish, be sure to treat the nuts with utmost tenderness. Moisten (with steam) and gently separate before bringing them back together, with the sticky, sugary concocktion.

Ingredients

For praline

1 cup hazelnuts

½ cup sliced almonds

½ cup sugar

For cream filling

1 cup whole milk

3 large egg yolks

½ cup sugar

2 Tablespoons cornstarch

2 Tablespoons butter

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup chilled heavy cream

For cupcakes

1 stick butter, at room temperature

3 Tablespoons sugar

2 eggs, at room temperature

1 teaspoon almond extract

½ cup almond flour (finely ground almonds)

½ cup all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

3 Tablespoons sliced almonds

Directions

For praline:

Place hazelnuts in a shallow baking pan in a single layer and toast until skins split and nuts turn golden, typically 10-15 minutes in a 350° oven. Remove from oven and wrap in a tea towel to allow them to steam for up to ten minutes. Meanwhile, toast the almonds in a similar fashion for 5-10 minutes. (Watch carefully so they don’t burn.) Rub the towel into the hazelnuts to remove the skins then discard. Add toasted almonds to hazelnuts in a bowl.

Cook sugar over low to medium heat until caramelized, swirling continuously to prevent burning. Stir nuts into caramel then transfer to a baking pan with parchment paper. Spread and allow to cool, about 30 minutes.

When cool, crush and blend in food processor until praline reaches the consistency of smooth nut butter.

For cream filling:

Simmer milk over medium heat. In metal bowl, whisk together yolks, sugar, cornstarch, and salt.

Stir in small amount of milk into yolks, then gradually add all of milk to yolk-mixture. Whisk constantly and simmer until mixture becomes smooth (3-6 minutes). Remove from heat and stir in butter and vanilla. Cover surface with parchment paper and chill at least one hour.

Beat cream until stiff peaks form. Beat pastry cream until smooth, then mix in praline butter. Gently fold in whipped cream to pastry and chill until needed.

For cupcakes:

Cream together butter and sugar, then add eggs and almond extract. Gradually add both flours and baking soda. Divide among one dozen cupcake wrappers in pan and bake for 15-20 minutes at 350°. Sprinkle sliced almonds on top after first five minutes of baking.

When cupcakes have cooled, slice each one in half and spoon a generous portion of cream filling into the middle. Replace the cupcake top, and share with loved ones.

Poulet au citron

For this next dish, start by rubbing fragrant olive oil into the (chicken) breasts.

Ingredients

4 chicken breasts

4 teaspoons flour

1 teaspoon Herbes de Provence

Salt and pepper, to taste

½ cup free-range chicken broth

1 Tablespoon minced garlic

Juice of one lemon

Olive oil

Directions

Mix flour with Herbes de Provence, salt and pepper. Dip each chicken breast into this flour mixture. Fry in hot olive oil, about five minutes each side. After removing chicken from pan, add chicken broth, garlic, lemon juice, and additional splash of olive oil as needed. Heat and stir for two minutes before pouring over chicken. Serve.

Pain perdu

To make pain perdu (French toast), start with one hardened baguette and dip repeatedly into a wet, sticky mixture of egg and milk…

Ingredients

1 baguette

8 large eggs

2 cups milk

1 cup coconut or almond milk

3 Tablespoons maple syrup

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Freshly grated nutmeg, to taste

Cinnamon, to taste

Grated orange peel

Dash salt

Coconut oil

Directions

Slice baguette and arrange into a 13”x9” pan that you have greased with coconut oil. (Note that coconut oil is also excellent for the skin.) Whisk together remaining ingredients and pour over bread, covering as evenly as possible. Refrigerate overnight. The next morning, bake at 350° for 40-45 minutes. Serve with fresh fruit and perhaps a bit of crème Chantilly. (Use remaining Chantilly as you wish…)